Ashamed
by RDMerlin
Summary: Castiel still doesn't understand some important aspects of their relationship. Sam doesn't always know how to explain the difficulties they both face in a relationship like theirs. Sastiel. Mentions of homophobia.


Sam hums contently, his hands snaking around Cas' torso to pull them closer together. Castiel stirs, leaning his head back against Sam until they are completely intertwined. The sun has only just risen, the faintest rays of light creeping into their shared room, creating a general ambiance of warmth and cosiness. The bunker is still silent, other than the small noises of approval that occasionally slip out of their mouths. With a smile he drops his head down slightly to place a kiss on the top of Cas' head, who quickly turns his head so that the length of his neck is exposed, Sam placing a trail of kisses along the surprisingly soft skin. He starts to trace circles into Cas' abdomen with his fingers, gently brushing against the skin with his thumb.

"Are you ashamed of me?" Sam stops immediately, the words taking him completely by surprise. He blinks; trying to sense the tone, but Cas is still just lazily pressed up against him, and sounds merely curious rather than hurt. Castiel takes his silence as an affirmative, the slight drooping of his shoulders the only sign that this is eating at him. "Is it because I'm an angel?" he murmurs quietly. Castiel takes Sam's hands where they have stopped caressing his abdomen, and has pressed them up against his chest, squeezing gently but with a hint of desperation.

"What? No!" He exclaims suddenly, the loud burst of sound next to his ear making Cas jump. He can't help the anger that creeps into his voice, and overshadows his own hurt and worry. Castiel's grip on his hands loosen until their fingers are only just brushing against each other.

"Is it because of what I'm like?" Castiel whispers, still in that same stoic tone, but Sam knows him well enough to sense the anguish. "I know that I am not well equipped to be in a relationship; I have limited understanding of emotional processes and how..." Castiel starts saying in a rushed voice, but Sam has had enough. Before Cas can finish what he is trying to say, Sam has flipped them over so that Cas is lying beneath him.

Castiel stops speaking immediately, blinking up at him in a daze but making no move to reverse their positions. Sam stares at him for a fraction of a section, and he can feel Castiel stiffen beneath him and his brilliantly blue eyes widen slightly. But then Sam leans down, and presses his mouth forcefully against Cas'. At first Castiel just lays there, his lips barely moving even as he leans further into the kiss. But, as the kiss progresses Sam becomes desperate for more, and nibbles on Cas' lower lip the way he knows the angel likes, and feels Cas moan into his mouth. Sam forces his tongue in, taking claim to Cas' mouth. The angel is relaxing now, and starts to kiss back but it is sloppy and he seems to be struggling to remember how this works. He seems to have reverted back to those first few weeks of their relationship, where Sam had had to patiently guide Cas through things such as this.

Sam eventually relents as the need for air becomes apparent. It is by no means a great kiss, but Cas stares up at him with a blissed-out look on his face, his eyes twinkling with pleasure, even as his mouth twitches into a frown at Sam's severe expression. Sam gently cups Cas' cheek with his hand, running his fingers down Cas' face.

"I'm not ashamed of you Cas." He says gently, but with a touch of sternness as though he was talking to a child. Castiel's brows furrow together, and the contentment on his face slowly seeps away until he looks on warily. "Why do you think I would be?" He adds, feeling his heart clench as Castiel looks away, looking vaguely uneasy.

"Perhaps I misunderstood..." Castiel counters weakly, and makes a move to get up, but Sam holds him down. They both know that if Castiel wanted to, he could easily force his way free, but this moment is fragile and Sam knows Cas won't do that. Instead, Cas sighs. "Couples...other couples that I have observed will express their relationship in public. They'll hold hands, or kiss or do both, and they always stand closer together. But we don't do that. Even our proxemics in public have not changed since our relationship began. I assumed it was because of something I was doing wrong, but now I don't understand."

Sam runs a hand through his hair, knowing full well what Cas is talking about. He chews his lips, trying to think of a way to explain it, but it is difficult with Cas' limited knowledge of how society functions. His internal conflict must be showing on his face, because Cas is looking at him nervously, but with a touch of the same eagerness he had when he had first posed the question. He briefly wonders why Cas is so eager to learn what he is doing wrong (not that he is), but he knows that the answer lies in the fact that Cas is always seeking to fix things.

"Cas, that isn't your fault." He says first, stressing the importance behind it. Castiel blinks, apparently surprised by this revelation. Sam can see his mind working, and hurries to continue, knowing that Cas will have many questions. "Look, it's different with our relationship. Some people don't agree with the idea of two men being in a romantic relationship." He tries to explain, but is taken aback by the startled look that crosses Cas' face.

"Why?"

"Well, the bible is against it..." He suggests, but trails off as Castiel gives him one look that quickly overrules that line of argument. "Some people say it isn't natural." He adds, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

"But it is?" Cas asks again, his face scrunched up in confusion, and looking strangely adorable.

"It's just what some people think, Cas." He points out with a shrug, not knowing how to answer the multitude of questions that Cas clearly has. In fairness, Sam can understand his confusion. There really doesn't seem to be a logical reason to be against homosexuals, yet who was he to change how society thought.

"So you're ashamed to be with a man." Castiel concludes, seeming partially satisfied that he has finally managed to work out the problem. Sam just rolls his eyes in frustration.

"No. I'm not ashamed about any aspect of our relationship."

"Then, why don't we act like other couples in public?" Castiel presses, looking as frustrated as Sam felt.

"Well, people don't like it."

"So?"

"They might attack us for it..." He suggests, chewing on his lips thoughtfully as he tried to express his reasoning. Humans craved acceptance, but Cas didn't seem to have a problem with trying to find acceptance amongst strangers. Perhaps Sam was just being selfish about this.

"I'm an angel, and you are a skilled hunter; they would never win." Castiel argues, effectively derailing Sam's line of reasoning. He sighs, knowing that Castiel is right, but still he is reluctant to face the wrath of disapproving stares. Castiel senses this, tilting his head as he scans Sam's face. "You still don't want to?" Sam looks away, trying to think this through. Castiel follows his gaze as though it would help him find the answers. On one hand, it is obvious that Castiel isn't happy about the almost secretive nature of their relationship, but it is still a difficult thing for Sam to face up to.

Castiel slides up next to him and kisses him suddenly, taking Sam completely by surprise. It is quite a chaste kiss, but he can feel that Cas is trying to replicate what Sam did earlier and the thought makes him smile. He kisses back, and Cas hums happily as Sam gently tugs at his lips, using knowledge that Castiel doesn't yet have to perfect the kiss. But before the kiss can develop into the ferocity of passion that usually results between them, Castiel breaks it.

"You don't have to change how you act in public," Cas says, making Sam frown as he feels the familiar sensation of guilt start to stir. Castiel kisses him again, but it only lasts a couple of seconds before he once more pulls away. "I just wanted to know why. Make sure it wasn't my fault."

Sam reacts immediately, all-but pouncing at the angel, and knocking him back down to the bed. He follows Cas down, and opens up Cas' mouth with his tongue and starts to explore it, helping to guide Cas' movements as a shiver of pleasure runs through his body. Castiel's hands wrap around his neck, pulling him further into the kiss. Sam smiles, and moves his own hands down to Cas' waist, and lifts the angel back up onto his lip so that their foreheads brush together as they continue to kiss. Only after the ache in his chest becomes too much does he pull back.

"Never your fault Cas." He murmurs, and they both hear the unspoken 'I love you' that doesn't need to be said. Cas smiles at him; a simple twitch of the mouth, but his eyes are beaming with positive energy as he leans back in for a kiss. Sam complies, but lowers them back down to the bed so that they are lying together once more.


End file.
